To Be Loved
by SilverReplay
Summary: What does it take to be loved, to feel loved? How much can Qiao Yifan take, before he shatters? Alternate Universe — Entertainment Industry [高乔] Gāo Yīngjié/Qiáo Yīfān
1. Chapter 1

**Fandom:** The King's Avatar (Cartoon) | 全职高手 - 蝴蝶蓝 | Quánzhí Gāoshǒu - Húdié Lán

 **Relationships:** 高乔 | Gāo Yīngjié/Qiáo Yīfān

 **Characters:** Gāo Yīngjié | 高英杰; Qiáo Yīfān | 乔一帆; Dài Yánqí | 戴妍琦; Lú Hànwén | 卢瀚文; Sòng Qíyīng | 宋奇英

 **Additional Tags:** Alternate Universe — Entertainment Industry | Angst and Feels | Hope you guys have tissues | Misunderstandings | Miscommunication | Potential Triggers | Implied/Referenced Child Abuse | Suicidal Thoughts | Quánzhí Gāoshǒu — New Generation | Teams as Talent Agencies

* * *

 _ **Chapter 1: The stars from a midnight sky, the melody from a lullaby**_

"I'll see you later tonight," Gao Yingjie murmurs against Qiao Yifan's forehead. Pressing a final kiss to the soft skin before backing off, he sends his lover a gentle smile. "Don't work yourself too hard; you're still recovering."

Qiao Yifan nods, wrapping his arms around Gao Yingjie tightly as a goodbye. "You're going to be late again?" he whispers hoarsely.

"Ah ah ah. You should not be using your voice," Gao Yingjie replies worriedly, tapping Qiao Yifan's nose playfully. "But unfortunately, yes."

He wriggles a little in the barely taller man's embrace before breaking free. He grabs his keys off the kitchen counter. "Now remember, there's lunch prepared in the fridge, and your medicine should be taken right after you eat, not before. I'll check in at one to make sure you are following the doctor's orders. Just rest and get well." He brushes his nose against Qiao Yifan's in an eskimo kiss before heading off. "No singing! Or talking more than you need to," he amends. "Drink lots of fluid and—"

"Just head to work, Yingjie," Qiao Yifan cuts him off exasperatedly. "I'll be fine, stop being a worrywart." His voice is faint, and the light brown-haired singer coughs after talking, but Gao Yingjie stops rambling nonetheless.

"Alright," Gao Yingjie says. With one final glance at Qiao Yifan, he leaves their shared apartment.

Immediately after, Qiao Yifan flops onto the couch and wraps his blankets around him again. He is _not_ a morning person unlike Gao Yingjie, and after much protest earlier about having to leave the warmth and comfort of his bed for his medication, he's returning to his makeshift nest in the living room. Having dragged his blanket and pillow out with him after being unceremoniously woken, Qiao Yifan gets comfortable before he suddenly feels lethargic. _It'll only be just for a moment_ , Qiao Yifan thinks as he closes his eyes.

 ***To Be Loved***

"Just because you are finally recovered does not mean that you are allowed to go back to singing!" Gao Yingjie retorts, glaring at Qiao Yifan.

"Oh? Are you suddenly the boss of me or something, Gao?" Qiao Yifan says dryly, looking down at his fingernails. "I am my own person you know, and I can take care of myself."

"No you can't! If you could take care of yourself, I wouldn't have had to call in sick for you or take days off to nurse you back to health!" Gao Yingjie says, affronted at Qiao Yifan's lack of care.

Qiao Yifan makes a noncommittal sound. "It's not like you were _forced_ to take care of me. Plus, it was only a sore throat. Just because I strained it during practice—"

Gao Yingjie cuts in. " _Strained it_?" he near hysterically reiterates. "Strained, more like nearly torn to shreds! You. Could. Not. Even. _Talk_ ," Gao Yingjie emphasizes. "You can't take care of yourself, so that means I have to do it. Meaning, you should not be taking on new singing projects or even—heaven-forbid— _thinking_ of a concert tour. But _no_ , worry me to death with your recklessness, it's not like _I even matter_ in the grand scheme of things, don't I? After all, _I'm just the new upstart dancer plucked off the street and shoved onto the stage_ ," Gao Yingjie throws out.

Qiao Yifan stumbles back as Gao Yingjie repeats the same insult Qiao Yifan had screamed at him months ago before they got together. Things didn't start off all sunshine and daisies between them—think more along the lines of screaming winds and prickly bramble bushes. They could not get along for the life of them until Lu Hanwen and Song Qiying had enough and shoved them into a closet, telling them to: _Get their goddamn acts together and just fuck each other's brains out_. Tumbling out of the closet three hours later with haphazardly put together appearances, flushed and sweaty skin, and a distinct lack of insults and yelling still makes him blush thinking about it because the walls are not soundproof, and Lu Hanwen and Song Qiying heard _everything_. Thank the heavens the studio had been otherwise empty for the day.

"Look, Yingjie," Qiao Yifan starts, before Gao Yingjie stops him.

"No, Yifan, when will you start learning to take care about yourself for once?" Gao Yingjie says tiredly, covering his eyes with his hands. "I called your mother to explain what happens. She would have worried herself sick when the hospital notified her of your arrival. Do you want to know how she reacted?"

"Bad?" Qiao Yifan replies, feeling uncomfortable. He really didn't like it when his mother got caught up in his problems. She's done so much for him when he was younger; now that he's on his own, he tries to make sure she's happy and unbothered.

"Think more along the lines of flying out here herself to make sure her baby is alright," Gao Yingjie leans up against the wall as he removes his hand to catch Qiao Yifan's guilty eyes. "I know I'm overreacting, and that you've had worse— _don't look at me, I've seen your hospital records_ —but at _least_ take better care about yourself, if not for your sake, then for ours."

Qiao Yifan feels like curling in on himself. Was he really that much of a bother? "Yingjie, I'm—"

"Don't apologize; you don't have to apologize for something like this. You are your own person, and I know where you're coming from. Yifan, what drew me to you was your unyielding and independent nature. Admittedly, it led to some rather poor behavior on both of our parts, so _don't_ say sorry for something that is not your fault." Gao Yingjie pushes off the wall to draw Qiao Yifan into his arms. "Look at me, Yifan."

Qiao Yifan looks up, eyes teary. "Don't leave me," he whispers softly, fingers digging into the fabric of Gao Yingjie's sweater. "Not like…" he trails off.

"Not like your father, right?" Gao Yingjie fills in. "I won't; just—please don't overwork yourself too much? I rather like having you in my arms at night and not having to wake up alone."

Qiao Yifan nods, eyes closing as he burrows his head into Gao Yingjie's shoulder. "Don't overwork yourself either. I get lost in my own world when singing and lose track of time. You don't have that excuse, Mister."

"I won't. Now get back to bed, and I'll see you for lunch. Hopefully, Hanwen can get the steps down faster today so the both of us can leave before noon."

"Mhmm…" Qiao Yifan affirms. "And," Qiao Yifan says hesitantly, "you're not just an upstart, okay? You have talent, and even if you don't have years of professional training, you're one of the best out there. So don't let the jealous words of others get to you, got it? And stop giving me that look! Iwas jealous, alright. I spent years honing my voice and trying to find my place in Tiny Herb Entertainment, and then you come waltzing in and take the world by storm with your moves. How was I supposed to act?"

Gao Yingjie chuckles. "And maybe I shouldn't have said that comment about how you sounded like a dying whale?"

"Yes, and there was that," Qiao Yifan says, recalling their first meeting. "Let's just put our messed up past where it belongs and focus on the present. I'm with you now and happier than I've ever been. Just because we had a rough and rocky start, doesn't mean our relationship is doomed for failure."

"Yes yes, now I'm late and must go. I don't think Hanwen would like waiting on me. You know how those Blue Rain Records people are." Gao Yingjie chastely kisses Qiao Yifan before grabbing his bag and heading out the door.

 ***To Be Loved***

"Break out the wine, Yifan, we have something to celebrate!" Gao Yingjie exclaims, dark brown hair windswept as he rushes into the apartment. Tossing his bag into a corner, he sweeps the brunette into his arms. He spins the singer around, dodging the swipe of a ladle as he sets him down. He keeps Qiao Yifan in his arms, nuzzling into his neck while breathing in the sweet scent of honey and lemon.

Qiao Yifan laughs. "Let me go, Yingjie, or the stew is going to burn." Gao Yingjie releases Qiao Yifan and begins to rummage around the cupboards. "What are you so enthusiastic about?"

Gao Yingjie pulls out a bottle of red wine in triumph. He spreads his arms out wide and smiles as he says, "You are looking at the new lead dancer for the _Vaccaria_ project."

His eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "That audition of yours a month ago," Qiao Yifan trails off. Gao Yingjie watches as his words sink in. "Heavens, congratulations! I knew you could do it!" Qiao Yifan drops the ladle onto a cutting board as he embraces Gao Yingjie. "See? Out of all the other dancers, you were chosen. I'm so proud of you." He presses a kiss to Gao Yingjie's mouth before letting go. "Now shoo, go take a shower. You stink."

"You're not joining me?" Gao Yingjie smirks, watching as Qiao Yifan licks his lips at his words.

"I would darling, but unless you want burnt dinner, I will have to decline," Qiao Yifan replies, turning his back on the dancer. "I just hope you don't have practice early in the morning tomorrow. You're not going to get a lot of sleep tonight," Qiao Yifan remarks, listening as Gao Yingjie's steps falter when he is making his way to the shower. He could just barely hear Gao Yingjie's mumbled words.

"Guess I'm telling Hanwen that he's allowed to sleep in tomorrow morning."

 ***To Be Loved***

Qiao Yifan groans, rolling over and seeking comfort under the warm covers...and rolls back immediately when he feels the cold emitting from that side of the bed. Seconds later, he opens his eyes blearily. He distinctly remembers last night ending with him in Gao Yingjie's arms. And just now, he has met no protests or grumbles.

His eyes refocus and the blurriness fades away as he finds himself staring at an empty pillow. Gao Yingjie was gone. But why? It shouldn't be thatlate in the day. Craning his neck up to look at the clock hanging off the wall, he realizes that it is still pretty early. Gao Yingjie shouldn't have needed to get up and ready for work for another hour at least. Too awake to fall back asleep, he regretfully leaves the warmth of the bed as he heads to the shower without pausing to clean up the messy trail of clothing heading from the hallway to the bed.

He slips into the small bathroom, glancing to make sure his towel is there before stepping into the shower stall. The cascade of water pouring down from the shower head wakes him up even further. He brushes his hair back and blindly reaches for the shampoo. Closing his eyes, he allows the tension in his muscles to rescind. Lathering it in his hair, he smells mint and cloves. Oops, washing the shampoo out of his hair, he opens his eyes to find that he used Gao Yingjie's shampoo instead of his own. Shrugging, he went back to cleaning himself—it's not like he minds smelling like Gao Yingjie. Grabbing the conditioner and making sure it is his this time, he sighs to himself as he realizes how empty the shower is. Usually,

Gao Yingjie would be in here with him. Rinsing himself off quickly and making sure all of the stickiness is gone, Qiao Yifan turns off the water and wraps his towel around his lower half. Grabbing another one to dry off his hair, he walks back to their bedroom.

It is when he enters the kitchen all dressed and proper that he spots the note lying on the counter.

「 Left for work. Will be back by 7. — Yingjie 」

 ***To Be Loved***

Closing his eyes one more time, he opens them and glares at the clock that reads 『8:17』. A steaming pot of curry is on the stove and has been for the past two hours. On platters set on the table are slices of bread and condiments. A frown tugs at Qiao Yifan's lips as he realizes the soup and rice have been cold for some time. Sighing, he rises from his seat at the table to heat them back up only to hear the door creak open. Something inside urges him to welcome Gao Yingjie back, but he honestly doesn't feel like it.

He grabs the necessary dishes and makes his way to the microwave, ignoring the loud thump of Gao Yingjie's bag against the ground.

"I'm sorry for being late, love," Gao Yingjie says. Qiao Yifan looks back to see the dark-haired brunette awkwardly standing in the doorway with a bouquet of sunflowers and yellow tulips. _Hopelessly in love, adoration, and dedication._ He turns back, a small smile on his lips.

"I guess I can forgive you; go clean up while I reheat everything."

 ***To Be Loved***

Arranging the orange lilies and purple hydrangeas in the vase, Qiao Yifan gives a bittersweet smile. The flowers are lovely, and the meanings sweet, but they can never make up for the lack of Gao Yingjie's presence in the house. Grabbing the cake box, he makes his way to the kitchen, where he places it in the fridge for dessert later. He begins to dish out the noodles and broth, easily making dinner in a matter of minutes. It's not like he had much left to do; he finished the preparations hours ago. Qiao Yifan withholds a sigh as he turns around and places one bowl in front of Gao Yingjie. He then brings the other with him to the opposite side of the table.

The both of them don't have time for dates often, and to be honest, they would rather avoid public dates, preferring their own small private ones in the comfort of their apartment. But, this is the seventh time Gao Yingjie has been late. _He's just busier; that's all_ , Qiao Yifan thinks as he begins to eat, glancing briefly at his boyfriend. The silence is deafening as they eat, but neither of them says a word.

 ***To Be Loved***

"Yingjie, it's Yifan. Are you still at work?" Qiao Yifan says, standing alone beside the entrance of a small, quaint diner they had their first date at. His hand cradles the cell next to his ear as he attempts to nonchalantly lean against the wall, even when his hands feel slick with sweat and a small voice in the back of his mind warns him that something is wrong. He glances at his watch. "It's already eight forty-three. You should have gotten off by now and made your way to our favorite diner for our date." The loud silence on the other end of the call makes him tremble. "Listen, I understand if things got you running late as usual, so call or text me back when you hear this message, alright? Just to let me know when you're heading over. I'll be waiting. Love you." Qiao Yifan hangs up the call. He stares down at his phone, the fading call screen making him want to choke. Instead, he buckles up and enters the diner. He makes his way to a window booth and orders a cup of oolong tea as he settles in for Gao Yingjie's late arrival. _Nothing's wrong. Yingjie's just being his workaholic self again. He'll be here. He won't forget._

 ***To Be Loved***

 _To: Qiao Yifan_

 _From: Gao Yingjie_

「 Sorry, love. Got caught up with work and forgot. It's too late for our date, so just order yourself some dinner and eat without me. I'll be coming home late, so don't wait for me to arrive. 」

 ***To Be Loved***

 _To: Gao Yingjie_

 _From: Qiao Yifan_

「 Don't forget we have a date at 5 to go to the theaters. Remember to get off work early to make it. Love you, hope to see you soon. 」

 _To: Qiao Yifan_

 _From: Gao Yingjie_

「 Got your reminder. Won't be able to make it, so why don't you spend the day with Qiying or something? Head to that confectionary you like and hang out with some friends. Sorry for taking a rain check on our date. 」

 ***To Be Loved***

 _To: Gao Yingjie_

 _From Qiao Yifan_

「 Yingjie, are you going to be able to make it today for our date? Or has something else come up. 」

 _To: Qiao Yifan_

 _From: Gao Yingjie_

「 No, sorry. I have to practice. 」

 ***To Be Loved***

 _To: Qiao Yifan_

 _From: Gao Yingjie_

「 Rain check on our date tonight. 」

 ***To Be Loved***

 _To: Qiao Yifan_

 _From: Gao Yingjie_

「 Can't make it today, love, rain check? 」

 ***To Be Loved***

 _To: Qiao Yifan_

 _From: Gao Yingjie_

「 Have to cancel. I need to get this new routine down. 」

 ***To Be Loved***

 _To: Gao Yingjie_

 _From: Qiao Yifan_

「 Yingjie, just a reminder that I made a reservation at Fleur de Lys Paradis, the new French restaurant that opened up a couple of months ago. Dress nicely, okay? It's our anniversary, dear, hope you haven't forgotten. It's at 9 so please try to not be late. Love you. 」

Sending off the text, Qiao Yifan could feel his insides curdle with anxiety. Please don't let my fears be true, Qiao Yifan prays internally as he drops his phone onto the bed and walks over to the mirror. Bags hang from his sunken eyes. His skin is clammy and sickly pale, and his hair is limp and messy. After taking a quick shower to get the grime off his body, he begins to carefully cover up the imperfections. He has a quick recording session today and an hour long press conference to cover before he can check out. Dashing out of the apartment, he can't help but feel ill, the quickness of his movements increasing the faint pounding behind his eyes.

 ***To Be Loved***

Gao Yingjie sighs as his phone goes off again. Deciding enough is enough, he mutes it, disregarding the flashing screen indicating he has a new text.

 ***To Be Loved***

Qiao Yifan bites his lip, glancing at his watch as he waits outside the restaurant. It reads 『8:48』. He slumps against the mahogany arch carved with golden vines, watching as other people walk right past him into Fleur de Lys Paradis.

"Please don't tell me he'll be late again," Qiao Yifan whispers, staring up at the silver crescent in the sky. The stars, the few that can be seen in the smog-filled city, twinkle in the darkness. He is dressed sharply in a dark maroon dress shirt and black pants with a black and white striped vest over it. A skinny dark grey tie tops it off with polished black dress shoes. In his hand is a bouquet of two dozen red roses, thorns trimmed off each long stem and wrapped carefully in a sheer blue shawl and violet ribbon instead of the typical plastic wrapping. As he stands alone, he fears that what he has been denying is actually the truth. Ten minutes later, he is checking into the restaurant alone, and nodding to the waiters and manager does nothing to quench the emptiness that fills him inside. He knows that if Gao Yingjie does what he fears he has done, nothing can save him from the utter agony that will befall him. He is already clinging desperately to the precipice.

The instrumental dancing in the air should have been soothing as bows sing across the strings, but Qiao Yifan can derive no peace from the music. On the plate across from him, the napkin is unraveled for the roses to lay on top. He can see from the corner of his eye an incongruously plain clock, black and white and loud over the chatter of the restaurant's patrons. _Tick tock. Tick tock._

"Would you like anything to drink sir?" Qiao Yifan looks up, having been startled out of his musings. Most of her strawberry blonde hair is tied back into a high ponytail, but a straight fringe is swept to the side while twin locks frame a delicately thin face with minimal enhancements. Faded brown, nearly gray, eyes peers down at his visage, concerned as she glances to the empty chair and the slight notation she has on her pad.

「 _Qiao (2) - RSVP 9:00 pm._ 」

Her watch, small and silver, reads 『9:25』. He does not mind the wait. The staff is busy, and he has booked the reservation during its dinner rush for a lack of a better time to fit both of their schedules.

"No, miss, I shall wait for my companion to arrive," Qiao Yifan flashes her a smile and is pleased to note the lack of blush on her cheeks. He knows she recognizes him, the whispers floating around would have told her of his fame even if she hasn't. The other patrons are not exactly quiet after all.

"Very well; if you need anything, call me over. I am Dai Yanqi, pleased to meet your acquaintance," she returns his smile, her eyes growing softer as she notices he doesn't comment on her dyed locks.

"Thank you, Miss Dai," Qiao Yifan replies, watching as she flits off to another table.

 ***To Be Loved***

He makes small talk with Dai Yanqi as she drops by. He eventually caves and orders _Chateau Carbonnieux Pessac-Léognan Blanc_ , white wine from the Pessac Léognan vineyard in Chateau Carbonnieux. And as the hands of the clock move steadily to a rhythm that begins haunting his mind, he can hear the splintering of his heart. _10:17 pm._

Dai Yanqi refills his glass, worryingly watching him from the corner of his eyes as the opaque liquid sloshes down into the glass. He stares at the clock. _10:58 pm._

She asks if he wants a vase for the roses, the red petals curling already and losing its vitality. He shakes his head. _11:41 pm._

He asks when the restaurant closes. She replies one in the morning for the stragglers. He nods, asking for another bottle of white wine. She darts off, but he still catches a glimpse of her watch. _12:23 pm._

He gives up. A wretched look of sorrow and pain graces his face as he leaves his chair. Dai Yanqi is pained herself as she returns his card and gathers up the roses to be trashed. She cannot harden her heart enough to keep them or give them to someone else. They are intended for a person who is callous enough to never come. The flowers are cursed with grief; no one should have them. _12:49 pm._

He bows to her, thanking her for her company. She bows back, tears filling her eyes as she finds herself gazing into the forlorn, broken brown eyes of Qiao Yifan. _12:53 pm._

 ***To Be Loved***

Qiao Yifan walks out of the restaurant, his calm exterior betraying the turmoil within. His feet take him wherever they want to tread, as he has no location in mind. There's a hole in his chest. He can't breathe, and it just hurts _so much_. He can see black spots flicker at the edge of his vision. He can feel heat course through his veins and set his body alight. He can feel trembles shake his body while his mind tears itself asunder. He can taste the darkness that haunts his soul. And he knows, walking out of the glimmering gold arch, that he is dead. His soul, _wasted_. His heart, _shattered_. His mind, _broken_. There is nothing left of him. He has given all he is and will be, and all that is left is a walking corpse.

He can sense the yearning pit of despair nestled in his body, his emotions funneling into that black hole. What has he been thinking, to hold onto hope for so long? To even attempt to clench onto the coattails of happiness and love? Who would ever love him, truly? The boy who sings, the _faggot_ parading around as if he is of superior make, the _bastard_ whose father has abandoned in all but name, the _nancy boy_ without friends and plenty of enemies—who would love _Qiao Yifan_ if he cannot even love himself? Who can love the fool that trails after a man who does not give him the time of day? Who uses and tosses him to the side in favor of another? Who treats him as if he is of no importance, as if he is a mere decoration in his life when he, that man, is the center of his universe?

 _Useless. Worthless. Freak._ The words terrorize him like no other. _Why_ is he so useless. _Why_ is he so worthless. _Why_ is he a freak. Why does he still love him so deeply and irrevocably when he knows that it is not returned? Why does he give everything for nothing. Why does he do this to himself?

But Qiao Yifan knows it is because he is nothing, worth nothing, can be nothing. He's not worthy of love, of being cared for, of being valued. He's not worth it. And, Qiao Yifan thinks bitterly, Gao Yingjie knew better and has washed his hands of him.

He walks. For who knows how long, he walks. He walks while moonlight shines a path into the growing darkness. He walks while leaves crackle beneath his feet. He walks and walks with no end in sight. He walks, and hopes to lose himself to the night.

* * *

 _ **Please don't go out of my sight**_

 _ **Even when the morning comes, don't disappear**_

 _ **(Don't Go - EXO)**_

* * *

 ** _Notes:_**

The main reason why this fic resurfaced from the depths of my fanfiction archives is because of your _**The Stars will Guide Your Way**_ , so this is for you, LLS!

Also, thank you Acnologiafire for beta-ing another one of my works! Sorry for making you cry so much with this.

Cross-posted on **AO3** under the penname **MTKiseki**

Gifted to **lalunaticscribe** on **AO3/FFN**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Chapter 2: With all the power of a symphony, that's how my heart beats when you're holding me**_

Leaning against the doorway, he observes the two men practicing in the dance studio, unaware of the world. He tilts his head to the side to glance at the clock, a frown barely visible on his face. Close to midnight, yet the two were still going at it? Song Qiying furrows his brows tighter, lips thinning. Both dancers are practically dripping exhaustion, yet their limbs move just as fluidly and in sync as ever. He doesn't understand really, as he isn't a dancer. Just give him an instrument and he can play his heart out, but dancing? No, like his mentor Han Wenqing, he's happy to just stick to the production side of things.

Lu Hanwen's dyed dark blue hair is plastered to his forehead, wrists adorned with bright blue wristbands emblazoned with the Blue Rain Records logo. Song Qiying's face softens unconsciously, a warmth entering his eyes. Over the years, Song Qiying really had taken after his mentor in quite a number of aspects, the stoic yet steadfast nature, as well as the ability to scare off anyone with a glare being the more prominent traits. Another was the ability to love and to love wholeheartedly, everything softening at but a simple touch or glance. Back when he had first met his mentor's lover, well, he had thought Senior Han had been replaced with an imposter. Now, Song Qiying knew better, understood better. He was the same.

Years of life in the entertainment industry has exposed him to the darker sides of society, the ongoing struggle for success and glory exposing the hidden depths of both himself and Lu Hanwen...and sometimes not for the better. Admittedly, it gave them irreplaceable experiences, memories, relationships, but it also left scars that never fully scabbed over. His left hand twitches in remembrance, from the time when he nearly injured his wrist from overexertion. The lecture he had gotten gave him nightmares for months, and the regime given to him by Manager Zhang had left his body nothing more than a limp noodle for equally as long. He had adapted and grown from it, though, so he didn't regret everything he went through.

Tyranny Acoustics is run differently from Tiny Herb Entertainment or Blue Rain Records, however. Even Senior Ye has admitted that Blue Rain Records has the best environment for growth, with Tiny Herb Entertainment being one of the more competitive and stressful environments because of the handpicked mentoring with the triple A threat Wang Jiexi. It wasn't as if Senior Ye wasn't one himself; most stars pick up another talent along the way to add to their repertoire, but most have their favorites. Han Wenqing with music, Ye Xiu with acting, Wang Jiexi with dance, Huang Shaotian with rapping, Yu Wenzhou with singing, Zhou Zekai with modelling...the major Gods of the entertainment world, so to say.

Out of all the Gods, these are the ones to leave the biggest impact, to still persist in the spotlight instead of fading away like a dying star. Even though Senior Ye's original entertainment company, Excellent Era Music, disbanded, Senior Ye had followed his lover to Tyranny Acoustics with Qiu Fei, Excellent Era's then rising star and Senior Ye's apprentice, in tow. Sun Xiang, the other rookie, found a place at Samsara Productions, and is currently thriving in his partnership with Samsara's greatest star, Zhou Zekai. From what Song Qiying remembers, Qiu Fei and Sun Xiang are still in an intense rivalry, aiming to reach the top first. Both had been apprentices under Ye Xiu, with Qiu Fei being there the longest and Sun Xiang transferring over from Conquering Clouds Industries. Qiu Fei began with an acting background, whereas Sun Xiang came in from modelling—thus why the latter has gone to Samsara instead, preferring photoshoots to filming.

 _Though, he is becoming a name in music as well,_ Song Qiying muses, wondering when the two will finally get their act together.

Does he need to conduct another intervention? He isn't sure if the broom closet strategy will work this time; knowing Senior Ye, the two of them have learned lockpicking from the wily God of Acting.

He glances at the clock again and is stunned at the time—he hadn't realized how much time had slipped away from him. With it being nearly one in the morning now, he decides to interrupt, waiting for the both of them to hit a pause in the music before rapping loudly against the doorframe.

"Do you realize the time?" he calls out nonchalantly, not even bothering with a greeting. Senior Ye really has been a bad influence on him, he inwardly thinks.

"Huh?" Lu Hanwen wipes away at the sweat on his forehead, his rhythm thrown off by the interruption. He hears more than sees Gao Yingjie come to a stop beside him, both their gazes drawn toward the doorway. "Oh! Qiying, you're here."

"Mn, are you guys done? I didn't expect to find you missing from the apartment when I got back from my tour," Song Qiying comments, eyes roving over his lithe boyfriend—especially those deceptive, corded muscles covered with a thin sheen of sweat. Oh, how he missed Lu Hanwen.

"Uh," Lu Hanwen begins, tossing a look over his shoulder at Gao Yingjie. The other is pulling a water bottle free from his duffel bag and draining near half of it empty before simply settling to sip at the rest. "Gao Yingjie wanted to practice. You know how big the collaboration project is between Tiny Herb and Blue Rain. I'm reprising the role of Troubling Rain since Senior Huang is on tour. Leader, I mean Senior Yu Wenzhou, is taking the role of Swoksaar again since they couldn't find one amongst our generation yet. Gao Yingjie is Vaccaria…" Lu Hanwen trails off, not sure what to say.

"Yes, you've told me this before," Song Qiying dryly replies, pushing off against the doorway and toeing off his shoes before entering the studio. "Still doesn't explain why you're here past midnight practicing, on the day off you guys usually set aside."

Lu Hanwen seems to shrink a little at his words. "We…"

"We haven't had a day off in weeks," Gao Yingjie remarks, light blue eyes narrowed and intense in their stare. "As long as we moderate our daily practice, we should be fine without any. The project is too big to slack off."

"Too big?" Song Qiying has a retort on the tip of his tongue, for _The Witch's Tale of Sword and Curse_ is not as big of a project as _The Eternal Fate of Leaves Heralding Autumn and Ashes of the Desert_. Quite a long title, the project nicknamed _Eternal Fate_ was regarded as the pinnacle of Excellent Era and Tyranny's projects since their inception, often showing on screens again and again year after year. He is slated to take on the role of Desert Dust in the reprisal, from what Senior Han has said, with Sun Xiang opposing him as One Autumn Leaf—Qiu Fei has given no protest to being skipped over, as he has begun a new film called _Combat Form_ and is focusing his attention on that. Still, _The Witch's Tale of Sword and Curse_ is a classic project between Tiny Herb and Blue Rain, like how _Eternal Fate_ is, or was, for Excellent Era and Tyranny.

"We're done for the night, right? Yingjie?" Lu Hanwen calls out, breaking the stare-off between Song Qiying and Gao Yingjie.

"Yeah, you can leave," Gao Yingjie finally says, flicking his bangs out of his eyes. "Didn't think you would be back by now, Song." He grabs a towel and drapes it around his neck, rolling his neck to work out the kinks he obtained from practice.

"Didn't think you would keep Hanwen here so late," Song Qiying throws back. Both of them had debuted at the same time and still didn't really get along, cordial more than amiable. "How's Yifan doing? Haven't heard from him recently."

"Yifan? He's…" Gao Yingjie stops, eyes widening. This alarms both Song Qiying and Lu Hanwen, causing them to exchange worried glances.

"Yifan is okay, isn't he?" Lu Hanwen asks, nearly rising from his stretching in surprise. "It's...wait, isn't today the 19th of August? Or was?"

"Isn't today—no— _yesterday_ , your anniversary?" Song Qiying finishes, fury slowly building up inside him. He has known Qiao Yifan the longest, having trained together prior to debuting. Even now, despite being in different companies, he sees the singer quite often at Tyranny because Senior Ye has taken an interest in the rising star. Though, to Senior Ye's frustration and Senior Han's amusement, Senior Ye has yet to successfully convince Qiao Yifan to transfer to Tyranny Acoustics rather than stay with Tiny Herb Entertainment. Song Qiying knows it's because Gao Yingjie is at Tiny Herb Entertainment. If he and Lu Hanwen hadn't gotten the two together, Qiao Yifan would have long taken up on Tyranny's offer and perhaps even joined him on tour. _River Sunset_ , the band Song Qiying is currently the leader of, does have an opening for another lead vocalist for duets. He would love to work with Qiao Yifan, yet he has accepted the other's decision to stay at Tiny Herb and not strain a fledgling relationship with long distance.

"I…" Gao Yingjie falls silent.

So do Lu Hanwen and Song Qiying, both at a loss as to what to say about this inadvertent admission. A minute passes, then another. The clock ticks quietly in the background, the air conditioner shutting off as the base temperature in the room has been reached after the duo stopped dancing and exuding body heat.

"I'll see you next week," Lu Hanwen says with finality. "We're not having practice this weekend."

The silent admonishment, telling him to go see if his lover was still willing to be his lover, is pointed and sharp, piercing through Gao Yingjie like a hot knife through butter.

"I didn't expect this of you, Gao, but I should have," is all Song Qiying says. He pulls Lu Hanwen up off the floor and shoulders the standard Blue Rain duffel bag himself. Without another word, Song Qiying leads Lu Hanwen out of the studio, leaving Gao Yingjie alone in the room.

Gao Yingjie simply stares out into space, the realization still settling in his scrambled mind. When was the last time he and Yifan went on a date? Even shared a meal together? A kiss? When? How is it that he cannot recall when it was?

Seconds pass, the ticking of the clock loud in the otherwise silent studio. Gao Yingjie's sweat has long dried and left his skin sticky, but he pays it no mind. His breathing slowly steadies, running on automatic once exertion has fled his body. Numbly, Gao Yingjie moves toward his bag, the hunter green shade making him flinch slightly. His fingers tremble as he reaches out and shoves aside towels, clothes, and water bottles, finding his target at the bottom of the bag.

His phone flashes a warning, indicating low battery. Alongside the warning is a slew of texts from...from Qiao Yifan. His entire body sways, as if he is feeling faint, light-headed. As his eyes slowly scan each message, the more he feels himself losing control of his own body. When he sees the last text, his knees buckle, and he collapses to the floor.

 _To: Gao Yingjie_

 _From: Qiao Yifan_

「 _I understand. Sorry._ 」

Nothing else, just this final text sent…his eyes fly over to the clock and sees that it is half past one. Would...if he comes now, would he find Qiao Yifan still waiting for him? He doesn't know, but it's worth a try, right? At least, if he shows up…

Gao Yingjie sags. If he shows up at this point, how ridiculous would it be? How many times has he failed to even show up to a date? He doesn't even remember when their last date exactly was, only vaguely guessing that it was before he earned the role of Vaccaria. That...would have been months ago, over half a year, in fact.

 _Still, better than nothing, right?_ Gao Yingjie consoles himself before forcibly pushing off the ground. He grabs his bag and heads to take a shower first. Qiao Yifan wouldn't want to see him all sweaty and dirty from practice. He will just have to make it up to his lover. Everything will be alright; he's sure of it.

 ***To Be Loved***

He reaches Fleur de Lys Paradis by two in the morning and meets a large 'closed' sign hanging on the glass doors. Sighing in frustration, he looks up at the stars and prays that he can still fix things between them. Digging his phone out of his pocket, he hopes the minor charge whilst he had been showering is enough to last him for however long it takes him to find Qiao Yifan. He presses speed dial again, but Qiao Yifan still does not pick up. Each time the call is rejected, his worry increases.

Qiao Yifan is not petty, not like this. He isn't the type to let Gao Yingjie constantly go to voicemail, has never been.

 _But,_ a dark voice within Gao Yingjie's head murmurs, _you haven't angered him this much before either. Who knows?_

Who knows indeed. Gao Yingjie has no idea where to start searching. The first place he had hit was their shared apartment on the way to Fleur de Lys Paradis, but Qiao Yifan had not been there. Lingering outside the restaurant, he happens to catch sight of a women leaving from the back door. Strawberry blonde hair pulled back into a messy bun after a long night, grey eyes darkened heavily under the dim lighting, she looks exhausted in all honesty, her shoulders drooping down and a slump to her back.

"Excuse me, miss?" Gao Yingjie calls out, hoping that she does work at the restaurant as he suspects. "Do you work here?"

The woman eyes him suspiciously, taking a couple of moments to recognize the new face of Tiny Herb Entertainment. When she does, though, it is irritation that flashes through her eyes rather than admiration.

"Oh, it's you. Mr. Gao, do you need anything?" Her voice is flat, tone dead, as if she would prefer to be talking to anyone else other than him.

"Did, you, I mean…" Gao Yingjie stammers, like he is but a rookie all those years ago. Taking a deep breath, he forces himself to calm down and state evenly, "Have you seen Qiao Yifan?"

That's all he can get out without breaking down and reverting back to that scared, insecure rookie who tried desperately hard and annihilated others like it was going out of season. He still doesn't understand what made Qiao Yifan give him a second chance, to give dating him a chance, back then, and he's afraid that he won't get another chance after this mistake of his.

"Yes, I did. May I ask why you are asking about your lover, Mr. Gao?"

 _Still flat, still lethally even, and with a tinge of annoyance—she does know something,_ Gao Yingjie observes. _But what, and how._ "Then, he was here earlier this evening?" Unspoken is the query: _He was here, alone, waiting for me to show up?_

"I'll repeat myself, Mr. Gao. May I ask why you are asking about your lover when you know perfectly well he was here earlier?"

The disgust and disappointment in her gaze leaves a taste of bitterness in his mouth, yet swallowing does little to alleviate his parched throat. Sweat builds up, pooling in the palms of his hands. He automatically stuffs them in his jacket, shifting into a defensive stance—to the women's visible amusement. Here she is, eleven centimeters shorter though a year older, intimidating the new lead casted as Vaccaria. As someone who is seeking to be a broadway actress at Thunderclap Theaters, the irony does not escape her.

"I…" Words fail him.

She gives him a blank look upon seeing his speechlessness. Without any prompt, she turns to leave. Gao Yingjie opens his mouth to call out to her, for her to stop, but she shoots him a vicious glare practically dripping with poison, which instantly shuts his mouth closed.

He's left standing under the streetlamp, alone, without a clue as to how to proceed. Where would Qiao Yifan go? If it was a year ago, Gao Yingjie could have listed any number of places that Qiao Yifan might frequent at any hour, yet now? After...after inadvertently ignoring his lover for months on end? He doesn't know, uncertainty painting every memory and every fact he has of Qiao Yifan. Still, he has to do something. It's too late of an hour to reliably call upon a taxi, and the expenses it would cost to have one chauffeur him all over the place...he doesn't think it is worth the effort and struggle. Besides, will his phone even last that long? He glances at the screen—less than 30% left. It might, if he prays to the heavens for their blessing.

With a lack of a better option, he starts walking toward the plaza not too far away. It's where he first ran into Qiao Yifan, when he had been dancing in the streets—busking, hoping to be scouted. He hadn't actually known that Qiao Yifan had seen him then; the other had just been a face in the crowd to him. Qiao Yifan had memorized his face, however, which had set Gao Yingjie on guard when they first officially met. This person, would this person use the history of busking against him? He hadn't, though Gao Yingjie had given him plenty of reason to.

 _This is not the time to reminisce,_ Gao Yingjie reminds himself. The night is getting chillier, and who knows if Qiao Yifan is dressed warmly, considering that he had been expecting to dine in a fancy restaurant and then be home by one. Tears welling up at the corners of his eyes in frustration, Gao Yingjie continues walking through the streets, scanning his surroundings constantly for his lover, wary of any muggers that might take advantage of a lone man out on the streets. What if they targeted Qiao Yifan?

Fear and worry nearly overwhelms Gao Yingjie, sending him stumbling. His breathing hastens, becoming erratic, while his vision flickers with darkness at its edges. A sharp pain pierces his chest, like a blade through his heart, like a hand grasping it and squeezing tightly. He grits his teeth at the sudden onslaught of sensations. Sounds are muffled to his ears, as if he's under water. He's struggling to breathe now, each breath feeling as if he's dragging those large exercise tires along a stretch of land. He's stumbling, head tilting forward, and he instinctively throws his hands out first to stop the fall. His hands slam against the wall of a building nearby, fortunately allowing him to brace himself. The jolt of pain stabbing up from his palms reminds him of where he is, and he forces the panic attack back down. This is not the time for him to freak out. He has to find Qiao Yifan; that's his first priority, what should have been his first priority these past few months, yet hadn't been.

Bit by bit, the stars dim, the growing glow of artificial lighting intensifying with the flow of time. The moon has long since been hidden by the hazy smog up above, its light too soft to shine through. His legs ache immensely, sore from hours of dance practice and then this excessive search. His mind is practically in shambles from all the twists and turns he has undergone, his single-minded focus diverted and spread thin. The pulsing within his veins quickens, his breathing light and shallow. It takes some effort, more than it should, to keep himself searching; his body protests this treatment, but Qiao Yifan is worth more to him than a bit of rest. His mind won't be at peace without knowing that Qiao Yifan is alright. He pulls out his phone and winces at the battery percentage: 13%. Still, he tries calling and goes straight to voicemail—was Qiao Yifan's phone dead, or just turned off?

It's nearing four in the morning, and all Gao Yingjie has to show is an increasing tremor throughout his body and empty hands. He's incredibly tempted to stop, to try and seek out Qiao Yifan tomorrow, but will there even be a tomorrow? He knows...he _knows_ that Qiao Yifan is the type to stay quiet and hide his troubles, to run away when he knows he's unwanted. Gao Yingjie has been dealing with that since the start of their relationship, helping the other heal. In return, Qiao Yifan has kept him grounded, reminding him that there is more to life than practicing dance. They help bring out the best in each other, quelling the darkness inside. Yet now, Gao Yingjie finds himself sitting alone on a park bench in the middle of the night, head cradled in his hands, and wondering where had things gone wrong. When did he lose sight of his path, blinded by the radiance of a new dawn? When did the glamour of being Vaccaria overshadow his love for Qiao Yifan? When...when did he become so self-centered, so focused on himself that he let their relationship fall to pieces?

He knows that he is the one at fault here, suddenly remembering all of Qiao Yifan's attempts to reach out, only for him to rebuff his lover at every turn. When did sending flowers become a habit of apology—better yet, when did he even forget to send flowers in the first place? What had been his thought then? That Qiao Yifan had received so many flowers that it wouldn't matter to him if he got another bouquet, that an explanation was all he needed? When did he start to forget to send a notice about being late or having to skip out? How long had Qiao Yifan spent waiting for him in that restaurant, the gazes of the public judging him? Gao Yingjie's heart sinks at each question he aims at himself.

 ***To Be Loved***

He walks for who knows how long, his feet taking him down unknown paths. His mind barely registers the surroundings, evading objects in his path only when necessary. His shoes are soaked by now from countless puddles his mind deemed unnecessary to avoid, his skin chilled by the wind. His face is pale, the makeup doing little to hide the shock he has undergone. Still, Qiao Yifan walks, with nothing but the wind at his back. His phone had begun vibrating a minute ago before abruptly stopping, the dying battery causing the screen to flash red in warning before shutting down. Qiao Yifan paid it little mind then, for who would call him at such an hour? And so, he walks, feet long since numb and probably a bit swollen by now.

Having finally realized that...that Gao Yingjie has tossed him aside upon glimpsing glory, all the love he remembers, cherishes still, is acrid, toxic, a poison to his system. Each memory is tainted with this realization, with the remembrance of months of being ignored and forgotten. What happened to the love they share—shared? He misses being held tightly in Gao Yingjie's embrace, his body curled so he could rest his head against the other's chest and listen to the pulsing heart beneath. He used to use that as a method to center himself, to remind himself of the present, yet now...now it's just nature itself reminding him that he is just a phantom in broad daylight rather than human, barely seen by any.

"Little Yifan?"

The sudden use of his name, and this nickname in particular, snaps Qiao Yifan out of his depression-induced haze. His eyes blink rapidly, trying to clear out the tears that had been steadily dripping down his face. He cranes his neck up a bit, chin lifted instead of tucked in, and it takes him a moment too long to recognize the pair of eyes staring at him, stunned and worried.

* * *

 _ **If we can stay together endlessly,**_

 _ **I will devote myself to you.**_

 _ **(Promise - EXO)**_

* * *

 **Notes:**

Cross-posted on **AO3** under the penname **MTKiseki**

Gifted to **lalunaticscribe** on **AO3/FFN**

Beta'd by **eringeosphere** on **AO3**


End file.
